The following is a slightly fictionalized retelling of a specific point in my life. Contains some bad language, and a little teen-angsty, but that’s how I wanted to write it, to capture the time. Note: Its pretty long, so, I dont expect everyone to read the entire thing.
Chapter 1: Introductions
Unfortunately, I was never lucky enough to have learned anything easily. I learned from the world around me; my friends, my family, books, video games, TV and the internet raised me. I watched and learned from my friends and family and began to develop my own personal moral compass. It all went horribly wrong one day, however.
“Hey man, you want to come over tonight?” My friend Michael asked over the phone.
“Yeah, it’s cool, I don’t work tomorrow.” I responded
A couple hours later he came by my house to pick me up. He was quite excited because his girlfriend had spoken to him all day long, and they had caught up on things. She lived one town away, and so they rarely got to go anywhere together, but their relationship was more than a year old and going well.
My friend Michael and I were work buddies, and he had just moved into town a few months earlier. He used to live in the same town as his girlfriend, but now that he was farther away, most of the time he had an air of depression about him.
We drove down the road and he talked more and more about his girlfriend. I had been in quite a few relationships, but this guy seemed really stuck on this girl. “Must be quite a gal in the sack” I thought to myself. Almost as if he read my mind, he started to talk about his sex life with her. Nothing unusual for two guys to do, and I knew, just like every other guy’s story about their sex life, it was way exaggerated.
We got closer to his house and I pulled out my newly purchased copy of Constantine on DVD. I grabbed my clothes filled bag out of his backseat and exited the car. It was weird because, the only things he was saying was about how intimate and close they got, but nothing sexual. I figured he was just wasnt the kinda guy to kiss-and-tell.
We got in his house, and the whole place was to ourselves. I put in the DVD and we cranked up his sound system. A little way through the movie, we paused for a break to get some sodas and other junk food from his fridge. He started talking about his girlfriend again, and I casually tuned out his ramblings. It wasnt that I am not a good friend, I had just been hearing about it all day and was tired of it by then.
He started talking about how alike his girlfriend and I were, and how the three of us should hang out sometime. I agreed and continued watching the movie. Half way through the movie and his phone rang, and he turned down the sound so I could barely hear the movie. I began to try and lose myself in my thoughts but he was talking on his phone quite loudly.
My attention was grabbed when I heard my name mentioned. Now his conversation interested me. He was talking about me and saying he was going to give the phone to me. I was already putting on my goofy-friend persona, because thats what guys do when they are forced to talk to people they dont want to.
“Hello?” The voice on the phone said with a slight giggle
“Yeah? Whats up? Me and your boyfriend were just talking about how hot you are, and he was telling me all the juicy details of your sex life.”
A laugh, then “Okaaaaay..”
I bullshitted for a few moments and then passed the phone back to my friend. He played the movie and headed into his bedroom to talk to her some more. Now I felt isolated. Alone.
I tried to get into my movie, but I was no longer interested in it. Working in a movie theatre and seeing all the movies you want for free as many times as you can kinda puts a damper on the excitement of the DVD release. After the movie concluded, he left his room.
“Hey man, should I give her your number? I think you two would be great friends.”
I figured I had enough friends as it was, but I shrugged and nodded in agreement.
The rest of the night was pretty boring, we hung out and talked more guy-shit. Then we woke up the next morning, and he took me home. After most of the day playing video games, the phone rang. A strange phone number that I didnt recognize.
“Hi, who is this?” I asked.
“It’s Carrie. Michael’s girlfriend. Is this Mike?”
Yeah, my friend and I had the same first name.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“Oh, not much, how about you?”
I wanted to scold her for disturbing me in the middle of a marathon of video game playing. Instead I said “Just playing games.”
I didn’t talk a whole lot, because I was more focused on my game than the phone. But she began to tell me about how she was currently visting a local college for a few days, and all the things she did there. It interested me slightly, as not many people near where I lived went to college. So, I figured she had to be smart. Always a good thing in someone who is to get along with me.
A few days later, my nihilism towards her had subsided and we were talking on the phone nightly. She was very smart, and we were able to talk about anything and everything. Soon we had talked about our pasts and present lives. She was into the same things I was.
It turned out that she hadnt been popular in her younger years due to a birth defect that wasnt removed from her face until she was almost a teenager. By then, everyone in the small town had already made the friends they wanted to. She wasnt a nerd, or a geek, just an outcast, left alone. I had always bordered between mildly well known and geek my whole life. I didnt much care though.
We decided to make a meeting time for when she got back from her trip to the college. She was going to bring along a friend along that she had met at the college. The next day, I woke up, got dressed and showered, and headed out of the house and down the street. I walked everywhere I went, because very few of my friends had a car. So, I went to the designated spot and waited around.
She and her friend showed up after a half hour or so. Carrie wasn’t extremely hot or good looking, but she was far from ugly. Her face looked like a blank canvas with eyes. Plain, but unique in her plainness. I walked with her and her friend down the road to the local gas station. Her friend was of american indian descent, and she was overweight with glasses. Naturally, I never listened enough to remember her name and spent the rest of the day trying to hide that fact.
A few hours later, and I invited Carrie and her friend to my house. I had no idea what we were gonna do, and I was nervous my mom was going to come home and kill me for having two girls over. So, we headed upstairs and Carrie’s friend picked up my newly purchased guitar and started playing with it. Carrie and I layed on our stomachs on my bed, side by side, looking at the various posters in my room. Suddenly, I looked at her, and there was that ‘spark’. That sudden connection you feel to someone only seconds before you are about to kiss them, yeah, that one.
Being a young, testosterone-filled male, I didn’t think about the fact that this girl was dating my friend, or that her friend was just a few feet away from us, and even though she lived a town away it was possible for it to get back to my town. Nope, I didnt think about any of that, and luckily, neither did Carrie.
Either her friend wasn’t paying attention or she didnt care to, Carrie and I kissed for a few minutes, before I realized the gravity of the situation. I don’t remember whether I asked her friend to chill out downstairs so we could make out more, or if that was where it ended for the day, but, either way, the day ended, and she and her friend went home.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuck!” I couldn’t believe what had happened. I couldnt tell whether I was shocked that she and I had such a connection, or shocked that it never should have happened and should never happen again. I paced around my house for at least a half hour. What the hell was I thinking??? Why did that happen???
Towards the end of the night, she called. I had been hoping the whole day that the damned phone would never ring again, and that I could forget about the whole thing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get past the connection we had, and how much in common we had with each other.
At this point, I believe some backstory is required to proceed. First off, I want to say that I was socially retarded in my younger years. I thought it a cool and good thing to tell people that I had special powers and abilities to fly, read minds, and other such fantastical things. Since nobody could disprove it, most people were just agnostic about it, or thought I was nuts and never talked to me again. This time that didn’t happen.
I decided to tell her this lie that I had told so many times I almost believed it myself. She didn’t blow me off, or just leave it alone and not talk about it. She believed it. With her whole heart. I was incensed, like a cult leader with his first real follower. Usually, I told this story to help weed out people who werent open minded, so I figured that it was a fifty-fifty shot that she would freak out and never talk to me again, and therefore the whole thing would be over with. It went a whole new direction.
She was curious, like her eyes had been opened to a whole new world. We talked for hours and she asked questions and I gave her answers. Along with this lie, I always mentioned that there was a propehecized soul-mate for me and I would know it when I met them, and they would know it. I did not think of the rammifications of telling that portion to someone so willing and accepting to it. Maybe I had charisma, or maybe I was a good storyteller, or maybe she just trusted me enough not to lie to her, whatever the reason was, within a few days she was convinced that I had these abilities, and that she was possibly my soulmate. And within that same amount of time, I had clung to that lie because it helped to justify the fact that I had made out with one of my friend’s girlfriends.
Chapter 2: The Rollercoaster Begins
We thought we were in love. Yeah, that shit. We were batty for each other. But we got along so well. She lived so far away that we didnt often see each other often, but that seemed to reduce the amount of worries we had and drama in the small town. At least, it did for a time. She began to talk to me about my friend and talk about how much of a weird guy he was, and kind of a dick. I chose to believe it, because, even though it was none of my business, it helped to justify our weekly, clandestine rendezvous. A shock came a little while later when my friend let me in on the fact that, though he had been dating Carrie for some time, they had never slept together.
Almost every week she came over to my house and by the second time she was over we were sleeping with each other. A shock came a little while later when my friend let me in on the fact that, though he had been dating Carrie for some time, they had never slept together, and he was, in fact a virgin. That didnt make me feel very good for banging his long-time girlfriend before he did. She was lying to her mom to get her to my house, I was lying to my friend about why I couldnt hang out with him. It was a horrible situation to be in, and yet poetic, very Romeo and Juliette. Surrounded by opposition, we found each other.
Things had remained well under wraps, and no complications seemed to have come up, or would. When one of us got worried that what we were doing was wrong, the other would assure that what we had was real love, and it was destiny, and it was right, and we were just doing what we had to.
The local town fair was about to come around again that year, and I had gone the year before with my big brother. I decided that this would be the one place that Carrie and I could lose ourselves in the crowd, and not be noticed, and yet be out of the house, and in the town. The first complication arose when I spoke to Michael and found out that he was going to be going to the fair with his girlfriend. I hadnt heard Carrie mention this before, and she had already made plans with me days before to go with her. Trouble.
I really wanted to go, and so did Carrie, so we decided to just go about it in a sneaky way. She and I would go to the fair early, spend time together there, then, later in the afternoon and towards nighttime, we would both spend time with Michael and the friends he was bringing along. And then the next night, we would enjoy the nighttime events at the fair together that we had missed the previous night.
I had told Carrie that it was no longer cool with me that she was still dating my friend, and sleeping with me. It had just become too much. She told me that she would break up with him on the night of the fair, since that was when she would next see him.
She showed up at my house that morning. We had sex, and went to the fair. We went back to my house to have sex again around noon. I remember her drinking a huge glass of water very quickly. We laughed at each other. We were care-free for once, and it seemed like a good thing. I felt like it was the beginning of us really dating, a glimpse of the future. It was liberating, until, in the middle of having sex, Michael’s friend called Carrie. We had ditched him to go back to my place. Then, Michael started calling, and we were trying to ignore it and continue on. Finally, we were done and we started walking back to the fair, hand-in-hand, and suddenly from the bushes separating us and the street, Michael’s friends came out.
“Hey, we been looking for you two everywhere!” We let go of each other’s hand and distanced ourselves from each other casually. Nobody saw. Then, Michael came over. He had on the face he wore when he was in public, which can only be described as “i look badass, right?”. He took Carrie by the hand immediately and began to walk ahead. It was an absolutely shocking sight. I was not prepared for it, and had to remind myself that he was there first.
Jealousy. A feeling I had not experienced in a long time. I just kept back, and acted like I didn’t know Carrie that well, and felt comforted that by the end of the night she would be my girlfriend and all these problems would be done with.
We all rode some rides and I tried to hide my discomfort of the summer heat and the situation. When they kissed, I cringed, when he held her hand, I scowled, when they hugged, I looked away. I decided that I had to find my other friends and hang out with them. So, I did, and kept away from Michael and Carrie for a few hours.
Towards the end of the night, Carrie tracked me down, sitting on a bench alone. She apologized for the days events, and told me that tomorrow would be different, and that in just a few hours she was going to break it off with Michael.
So, I hung out with Michael, Carrie, and Michael’s friends, and suddenly Carrie and Michael had disappeared. Me and Michael’s friend decided that they had gone back to Michael’s car. We went there, and we could see the shadows of the two of them in the back seat of the car. The windows were fogged up. And I could see that Carrie had her head in Michael’s lap.
I was enfuriated. She was blowing him instead of breaking up with him! What the hell?! Fucking great. I couldnt take it and left. An hour or more later I came back to the car and they were still there. Another hour passed and I returned. They had gotten out, and Michael’s friend was telling them how we had thought they were having sex. They assured both of us that they were just talking. I had had enough of emotions and drama for the day. I said goodbye and started walking away. Carrie caught up with me and I asked her if she had been having sex with him. She told me they hadnt. So, I asked if she had broken up with him, and she said that she had, and that Michael thought it was just a ‘break’. It did help to make the day a little brighter.
The next day we spent the whole time at the fair again. We were just with each other, and didnt worry. Nothing mattered. We were kissing gently in the middle of the fair, when, I looked behind Carrie and saw Michael’s whole family. All of whom knew both me, and Carrie. I just hoped they hadnt seen us. They didnt mention anything weird when we spoke to them, and we went on our way. We went to eat some food at the McDonalds to get away from the fair. I was still shaking.
Carrie told me that it didnt matter because Michael and her werent currently dating, but i told her that it didnt matter much, because, Michael would find out that she and I were now dating. Not good either.
We went back to the fair, and we had a romantic time on the Ferris Wheel. Unlike all my other girlfriends, we didnt have to constantly hold hands, hug, or kiss. We just felt each other, and that was enough to satisfy. We saw the fireworks go off, and the night concluded perfectly. It was everything I had hoped for with her the night before.
Chapter 3: The Lies
And this is where the whole thing gets turned upside down. Carrie came over a week or so later, and she and I hadnt been spending much time on the phone anymore. It was weird, and I figured that she had just become disenchanted. This whole time I had a girl on the side I had been dating for some time off and on, but she and I rarely saw each other, and we hadnt had sex yet, so I didnt think much about the fact that I, too, was cheating on someone.
Carrie finally tells me, as we had spent the day together watching movies and sleeping together, that she had been spending all the last couple weeks with Michael. And that she had not really broken up with him. Greeeeeeeat.
My phone rings and it’s Michael.
“Listen Mike, I just called Carrie’s house, her mom told me she was over at your house. I’m on my way over, and I’ll be on your doorstep in less than a minute.”
We threw on our clothes, folded in the fold-out couch, and pretended like nothing was wrong. I told Carrie to answer my door. From upstairs I hear her scream, and I hear loud stomps up the stairs to my room. My room smelled like sex. Thank god he was a virgin and therefore unfamiliar with the scent. He was holding a BB pistol, and Carrie ran up the stair screaming “Dont hurt him!”
“What’s going on Mike? What’s my girlfriend doing over here?”
“We just been hanging out and watching movies. What’s up with the BB gun?”
“It’s yours, just wanted to return it.”
It was minutes before my mom was coming home. I had to get them out of there quickly. I made excuses that they had to leave, and it seemed that Michael was suspicious. My mom pulled into the driveway just as Carrie and Michael disappeared around the corner. Barely made it. Michael called me from inside his car. “Listen Mike, the three of us need to talk and get things straightened out. Somethings going on and I wanna find out what.”
I left my house, and joined them. We drove in silence to a nearby park. I was panicking. I didnt know what Michael did and didnt know. And I didnt wanna tell him something he didnt know already.
Standing in the park, Carrie and I lied. I told Michael the same story about my ‘abilities’ that I had told Carrie. I told him that, friend-wise, Carrie was my soul-mate, but not that we were in love, or anything else. And that was why we had been so secretive. He half bought it. He took me home.
“Listen, I’m tired of this, I’m telling him everything. You and I arent meant to be together. I love him, and I see a future with him, not with you.”
Brutal. She gave me one more chance to prove that we were meant to be together. She had purchased a replica sword and told me to use my powers to take it, and give it back to her at a later date. Since I had no real powers, the sword went nowhere, which must have solidified to her that either I was lying, or that she didnt mean enough to me for me to prove I have abilities to her.
I told her that she was just running towards a fake ideal of a white picket fence. She was too head strong and strong willed to be a stay at home mom, and too adventerous to marry a guy who wasnt going to travel anywhere. I told her goodbye, and to enjoy her white picket fence, and hung up.
A few days later, I went outside to ride my bike to a friend’s house, and found a video game I had let Michael borrow, on top of my bicycle. A note inside the user booklet said “Today, 3:00pm, Be Here”. The shit must have hit the fan. And promptly at 3:00, Michael showed up. He told me to get into his car. I agreed, but I kept a hold of the knife in my pocket. He had some randomly violent tendencies, and I really didnt wanna get killed.
He told me that Carrie had informed him that she and I had been sleeping together for a long time, and that I had pretty much been trying to convince her to break up with Michael, and she didnt want to, but I wouldnt stop, or let her go, and I was obsessed with her. Terrific, she threw me under the bus to save her own ass, shoulda seen it coming.
I agreed to the truth of things, but I told him that it was her who was the agressor. I didnt tell him of how many times we had slept together, or anything. But by the end of the night, he seemed cool and we seemed able to stay friends.
Days later, my girlfriend called.
“What the hell, who is Carrie? I just got a call from Michael saying that you been banging his girlfriend.” Fuck… I’m the odd man out. Apparently it was too much for Michael to just let it go. He had to try and destroy the other relationship I had. I was good at denying things, and the whole thing blew over pretty quickly. Word spread through the town quickly, and I went suddenly from nerd/geek most of the town only knew of, to well known, and well hated, cheating guy/manwhore.
Chapter 4: The Separation and Reuniting
A few months later, I moved out to another state. My girlfriend and I had started getting kinda serious. By my current standards it wasnt at all serious, but at the time I believed it was. I was living out of state and checking my myspace one day, and Carrie had messaged me. She had said that her and Michael had split because he got freaky and abusive. She and I started talking on the phone again, our awesome long conversations.
It always amazed us how well we got along. And how well and easily we could just pick up where we had left off from our last talk, even though months had passed. I was moving back into town temporarily for a month or so to help my brother and I move to California. I was going to be living with my best friend in town as I was no longer in contact with my mother.
While I was gone from the town I was able to reevaluate the things I never got to do, and specifically the girls I was never able to sleep with. And since Carrie and I were back in touch, and she was away from Michael, it seemed appropriate that she and I would be able to spend lots of time together.
When I got into town, I spent the first week or so with my girlfriend practically living with me. Then Carrie said to me over the phone that she and I could hook up. I promptly made a fake excuse of needing a break to my girlfriend, and the next day Carrie was spending the night. It was something she and I had always wanted to do.
My best friend, whom I was living with, and his girlfriend kept commenting about how cute we were together. But, for me, something was missing. The sex wasnt as magical. I didnt have the feeling behind it that I once did when I said I loved her. After only a few days straight of her spending all her time with me, I could practically taste this void between us. She seemed to love me more than ever, more honest than ever, but I never felt farther from her.
We still had awesome conversations, and we still slept together, but it now seemed like the sex was just something to get out of the way. Something we just did, and then would continue talking. I felt closer to her as a person, but I suddenly realized that she was too insecure, and deceitful, and not traveled enough for me to be able to ever date again. I suddenly realized that what she and I were was an ideal that had shattered a half year earlier.
It soon turned out that she and Michael were living together, and that she had been sneaking over to my friend’s place. It was too much drama again. I thought she had grown up, moved on, but she hadnt. Maybe that was the distance I was feeling, I dont know. So I split things with her and mended things with my girlfriend. Carrie and I kept in touch on occassion while I was in California for the next few months. She sent me some letters, and they were nice to read.
After only a few months my brother and I moved back into town with my grandmother, until we could find an apartment. Carrie and I saw each other once, and I think we made out for a moment, but again, the spark was gone, it seemed a chore, or courtesy.
Just after my brother and I got our apartment, my old girlfriend and I split for good because she moved to California and left me for a black guy. It ended roughly. Carrie and I kept in touch more and more, and she decided to come over for guitar lessons from me. She was in a new relationship now, with some new guy. And I was dating an old friend from High School. Carrie and I reminisced about the old days, but I kept my distance from her, emotionally. I enjoyed our common interests, and the special feeling and connection we had, but it now had a title, a place, a name. I realized I loved her now, like a sister. Someone who had a lot to learn, and hurt me unintentionally, but still, hurt me. We were close in age, but in maturity, I was leaps and bounds ahead and because of that, she would never be on the same level as me.
I realized that we were twins. We werent ex’s. Our soul’s were identical, but everything else didnt match. She was a best friend, and would always be, just like any of my best friends I had kept in contact with.
My new girlfriend Kristen slept over one night. I tried to have sex with her, but she wasnt ready. After that she called less, until suddenly, every time we made plans to hang out, she was out snowboarding with a friend. She bought me some christmas presents. Said she loved me. One day she somehow found out that Carrie and I were talking, which she didnt like, because she and the rest of the town knew about our past. She was really just a fling, a way to get over my ex. Then suddenly I asked her who she had been spending all her time with. She had been spending all her time with Michael. They had been snowboarding together, and suddenly I realized what was happening.
Michael was pissed that ever since me and Carrie had our fling together, it ruined their future. So, he found out from friends of the town that Kristen and I were dating, and decided to steal her from me. Try and get revenge on me. Kristen was a virgin, and hadnt been ready. Kristen told me one day that she was leaving me for Michael. She said she could see a future with him, that he had direction. I told her to enjoy her white picket fence.
Months later she texted me thanking me for not taking her virginity, she wasnt ready, even when Michael took it. She thanked me for respecting her.
Carrie and I had more guitar lessons together, but things had changed, and we acknowledged that fact. I had found a new girlfriend and she and I were very serious, and I really did love her, and Carrie said she had found the same thing in someone too. It was always depressing when she came over, it was a haunting reminder of a shitty part of the past I had, and it seemed that Carrie was wanting, and aching for me to just tell her I loved her. She didnt say it or hint at it, but it seemed that in the negative spaces of what wasnt being said was her yearning for me to tell her to be with me. She was with a guy she liked, maybe even love, but the guy didnt like me, and didnt want her talking to me. And he had no direction for leaving the state, or getting a college education. He wanted her to be a stay at home mom.
Thats just not Carrie. Its not how she is, but she is torn. She loves him, and she holds me in a special place in her soul, as I do with her, but she has to choose between guys she loves, and being in touch with me. It must be tough for her. I feel bad, really.
Last time I saw her, she came into my work and told me she was engaged. She showed me the ring. All I could think of to say is “enjoy your white picket fence”. It sounds antagonizing, but its not. She has to either force herself to really want to be a dependent, stay at home mom, and just learn to live like that, or she has to learn that that isnt who she is or what she wants, and find a way to change things.
Anyway, that last time I saw her was probably close to a year ago give or take a few months. I miss our old talks, and it’s been too long that we have been in contact with each other. I hope she is okay, and happy. Even if she doesnt get back in touch with me because she loves some guy who doesnt want us talking, thats fine. I love her enough to let her create her own identity separate of me. I have certainly found my own identity, and figured out what kind of connection she and I have. She is my soul’s twin. But I found my soul’s mate. I hope she can do the same, and she and I can return to our great and long talks. I miss those talks and discussions terribly, and despite everything, I am not mad at her. In fact I understand her. We make mistakes. That was more than three years ago, the Fair. She and I were 17 years old. We are almost 21 now. I hope that we can get back in touch and never lose touch again.
She and I used to always say that we were the kind of people who could go months or even years without contact, and then get back in touch, and pick right back up where we left off. I am ready to pick back up with our friendship, and I hope she is too. If not, then I will wait patiently until the day she does.