Bless me blog, for I have sinned. It’s been… 3 years since my last submission and I am starting it off with the most ridiculously cliche opening of all time. The sad part is, I actually felt clever when I thought of it about ten minutes ago. Guess that shows how long it’s been since I’ve really gotten into the swing of the writing thing. I would have liked to have begun writing this post sooner than ten minutes earlier, but the website decided to make me login twice, force me to select the kind of post I was going to make, and then inform me that my theme had been updated, thus whisking me away to the beautiful world of modern WordPress themes.
I have so much I’ve been wanting to say and I’ll be honest and tell you that at this very moment, looking at this screen, I don’t give a shit about them. I know that they’re problems; big ones too. But I just cannot bring myself to care. I spent most of the day today being worried and stressed out and just plain tired. I’ve been relaxing for a few hours now and all I want to do is forget all about my problems, because another even larger heap is coming at me literally tomorrow.
The reason it’s not so bad is that it feels like late afternoon to me right now. I’ve changed jobs, changed companies and I am now on a complete overnight shift. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday from 6pm until 7am. This seemed like a decent trade off compared to the multitudinous nightmare that was my old job, but I finally had the other shoe drop today. I have to work 4 days a week. What was once a paradise concept of being home more often than work, has become a fire I’ve jumped into from the frying pan. Sorry about the last part of that last sentence, by the way, I just couldn’t make that one work but I really wanted to shoehorn it in right there. And I couldn’t have moved on had I not just typed it quick and dirty after a couple dozen edits.
So, now instead of working 5 days a week and randomly being switched to an overnight and day shift, and back again, with my days off never together, I am now on all night shifts, and have my days off consecutively. And I’m still working in the field of human suffering easement, which just means I’m surrounded by human suffering. Physical, mental, emotional, and monetary suffering. Pretty much everyone I see, even if they were fixed up and healthy, they’ve got a giant burden of debt or at least a sizeable bill. Someone has to put in all that information. I am such a someone. I dont work for the evil insurance assassins. I’m the snitch telling them who to take the hit out on. My job is being the cowards who marks their brethren for the hit. I liked it better when I was in the business of picking up the ashes while being overworked and underutilized. The spells of boredom felt noble and the hard work made the boredom feel justified.
Now it’s just hard work. I could mingle before, smile at people, get to know them briefly. Even if they didn’t want me bothering them, I could do my duty and move on to the next person whom I may have helped in some tiny way. I drank the Kool Aid, I think. I used to think that line was BS, but I do believe it now. Maybe I forced myself to believe it over the course of the 6 years at the old job. Now I’m just like a weird scout for the Terminator army behind me. Find targets, get a lock on, confirm then move on once they’re marked, pretending not to know the impact my little digital marks will have on them. I’m like the old tree markers. Getting paid to mark trees for the cutting.
That’s the visual I get in my head everyday I go to work now. Every incredibly brief interaction that can barely be called anything but lukewarm due to the brevity required by the constant influx of work. Melodramatic as it all seems, and reads, I really cannot get out of this thinking. I almost had a panic attack and I’m the kind of person who scoffs whenever I hear someone say they almost had a panic attack. I actually did have one. Had to go into the work bathroom and talk myself into breathing normally and to not feeling like I’m dying.
I make too much money and have too many debts. This means I’ve gotta try and make more money and pay off existing bills otherwise I’ll just be in the horrible cycle of debts and money earned. I don’t want to chase that cycle. I don’t want to continue school, with the maybe hope of making more money than I do already. Because if it doesn’t lead to more money then it lead only to more debt that will keep me in the exact same spot I’m in on this very night, in the very spot here. Only I’ll be at least another ten grand in debt. Everyday from here to there feels inevitable, like they already happened and I’m drifting towards that destiny whether or not I like it.
After many freakouts, and many, many hours of stress about careening towards being way in debt and stuck in the same job, I decided to write. It’s my only way out. Whether that’s because it’ll be a small and temporary respite along the already laid out future I’ve foreseen, or because I could actually make a career of it someday, I just see it as my only way out. Out of my head at the least, and out of my current financial situation at the best. It all starts here, tonight. I think. It might also be that I never get around to doing much with this, just like I didn’t all the other times. Gotta think happy thoughts though.
Whatever, doesn’t matter because either way – Hello blog, I’m back. (Even if just for now)